Penpals
by Cesile
Summary: 'I fell in love with the way you see absolutely everything. I know you didn't always like being different, but I loved you for it. It didn't matter what we were doing, everything was an adventure. You have the capability to make anything exciting. And the way you talk about things is never dull or boring.' A series of letters between Anne and Gilbert following season 3 finale.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Gilbert,

I look like my mother.

The fiery red hair and the freckles are from her. I used to find my freckles homely but now I think I sort of like them. If only because it makes me feel connected to her. Her name was Bertha Shirley and my father Walter loved us very much. Gilbert, can you believe she was a teacher? I never dreamed I could be so much like her. It makes me wonder how else we're alike. Do we have the same smile? The same laugh? Or is that from my father? Even though I'll never know the answer to those questions I'm very content in what I do know, and I have Matthew and Marilla to thank for this marvelous gift. After our most wonderous goodbye they brought me a book that belonged to my mother. It was a gift from my father, and it resided in the very first home I stayed in after they died. It's a book about flowers, and I vow to memorize every word.

I miss Green Gables terribly. I miss being awakened by Marilla every morning to help with breakfast. The open landscape and the fresh crisp morning air. Here everywhere you look there is architecture. I miss the trees and the quietness. There is constant noise here. I never thought I, Anne from Green Gables, would be complaining about noise. And yet here I am. Avonlea is a magical place I will always call home. The magic comes from the people. I will make Matthew and Marilla proud, even though a large part of me wants to catch the next train and stay at Green Gables forever.

I am over the moon that my bosom friend Diana is here to join our adventures in Queens. I was worried for her when I thought I was leaving her behind. Her spirit seemed to be broken and I couldn't fix it. I am much obliged her parents changed their minds, I feel if Diana had gone to Paris, she never would have been the same again.

I owe you an apology Gilbert. You left me a letter in my room and in my anger, I destroyed it without reading it, and now I simply must know what it said. I left you a letter too. In that letter I bared my heart to you. Why didn't you come to me? If even to just tell me you'd changed your mind? I have so many questions. I saw Winnie in town and as I attempted to congratulate her on your engagement, she seemed angry, she'd thought I'd come to gloat. I would never do such a thing, and I simply had no idea what she was talking about. And then she told me, about your unrequited love, and I just had to let you know it wasn't unrequited. Suddenly there you were. I have loved you for a very long time, although I didn't realize it was love until after you were engaged to Winnie. I'd always hoped for a tragical romance, an unrequited love. But now I realize that a tragical romance is nothing but sorrow. I could go on when I thought you didn't love me, when I thought you were marrying the girl of your dreams. A girl that wasn't me. But even though I went on there was a heaviness in my heart every time I remembered, every time I thought about you. Now all feel is absolute giddiness and joy when I think about you.

I have to ask. Why me? Although I'm exceptionally glad, I can't help but wonder. When did you know? For me I can't say there was an exact moment. In fact, I don't think I even noticed it happening. You made the butterflies in my stomach come to life, but I just didn't know why I was feeling that way. And then one day it just came to me. One day I realized I, Anne with an E, was in love with Gilbert Blythe. For so long I was not allowed to feel even friendship towards you it felt exhilarating to say out loud.

I'm sorry for the length of this letter. I've had such a wonderous day I couldn't wait to tell you about it, although now I feel like I've said too much. I hope you made it to U of T safely and are comfortable in your new room. I shall check the post every single day for your response.

With love,

Anne


	2. Chapter 2

My Dearest Anne,

May I call you that? Or would you prefer carrots?

I'm very happy you've discovered such news about your birth parents. I know how you've longed to know. I always knew you were loved by them; how could anyone not help but love you? But I understand that you needed that validity and I'm glad you have it.

Homely and you do not belong in the same sentence together my Anne with an E. I just know your parents were beautiful people. From what little I know about your life before Avonlea, I know most people wouldn't have come out of the other side with the same outlook to life as you. You have magic in you, I think that came from them. I hope one day you feel comfortable enough to tell me everything about you, even the dark parts.

It seems without realizing it you are following into your mothers' footsteps in becoming a teacher. I can understand your curiosity about how much you could possibly resemble them. I often wonder how my mother and I are alike. I hope you take comfort in this; every time someone sees you Anne, they are seeing you, but they are also seeing them. Maybe without realizing it but they're still there with you. Every time you laugh or smile it's an echo of who they were. You are their echo in this world, wherever you go they will be there. I hope you don't find that silly, it's something my father told me when I'd ask about my mother. It brought me comfort and peace knowing I carry her everywhere I go.

I can't wait to hear all about flowers the next time I see you.

A part of me too wishes to go back to Avonlea and work on the farm where it is safe and familiar. But we both know this is the next chapter, and I think we feel that way because its new and scary. I just know you're going to be top of your class, making them proud is something you accomplish without having to try. They love you so. It is noisy here too, I'm not sure you'd like it since it's essentially a bigger Charlottetown. I hope that doesn't deter you from visiting me in the future. If that is the case, I might have to rethink this whole doctor career. In all seriousness, I miss you already Anne.

I was pleasantly surprised to see Diana and Mr. Barry on the train. I'm happy she's there with you in Queens. You looked so sad to leave without her.

Anne I never received your letter. If I had I never would have taken so long to come to you. Is that what you meant when you asked me if I had anything to say to you when we received our scores? If that's the case I understand why you destroyed my letter, you must have thought I was letting you go. In that letter I let you know that you, and only you are the keeper to my heart. I let you know I was not engaged and wouldn't be unless it was to you. It has always been you, no one but you.

I'm sorry about Winnie. After I thought you didn't love me, I thought maybe I could be happy with her. As soon as I realized there would never be anyone for me but you, I revealed my heart to her. She asked me for two weeks of my silence until she left for Paris to break the news. I never meant to make you think we were engaged but I felt like I owed that to her. I made her think there was something between us when there wasn't. It was the only thing I could do to make things right with her. My Anne you will always be the girl of my dreams. A tragical romance or unrequited love is nothing I would wish on anyone. I felt that heaviness too. Every time I looked at you, I ached to be near you. But I thought I was unwanted. Seeing you smile and laugh from afar made me happy to see you happy, but it also caused an ache in my heart to know I couldn't make you feel that way.

Why you? What a silly question. Why not you? Anne you are the most amazingly wonderful person I have ever met. I fell in love with the way you see absolutely everything. I know you didn't always like being different, but I loved you for it. It didn't matter what we were doing, everything was an adventure. You have the capability to make anything exciting. And the way you talk about things is never dull or boring. Your words paint pictures I never knew I was capable of conjuring. I think I knew for sure once I was expected to propose to Winnie. I know that sounds odd but any time before that I didn't want to admit it to myself. And then once there was this expectation to commit to someone else, something stopped me. I couldn't stop thinking about you, I couldn't stop thinking that I had to know. I couldn't commit to anyone without knowing how you felt, and I had to know how you felt because I was in love with you.

Why do you say you weren't allowed to feel even friendship towards me for a long time? Was it something I did?

Anne don't ever feel like you've said too much to me. I want to know everything. You could write me a ten-page letter and I'd read every single page. It might take me a while to respond but I'd still read it. And because I don't want you to apologize ever for the length of your letters, I won't apologize either for how long this one is. I have settled comfortably in my room at U of T, although my dorm mate must think I'm rather strange since I haven't stopped smiling since I got here. I hope to hear from you soon.

With all my love,

Gilbert

P.S. So that there is no further confusion I thought I should be clear with you on this matter Anne. I, Gilbert Blythe am completely in love with you and will be courting you from afar, if you will have me. I love you so, Anne.


	3. Chapter 3

My Dearest Gilbert,

If you ever open a letter like this:

Dear Carrots,

Or like this:

My Dearest Carrots,

I will make a personal trip to U of T and make you pay. My dearest Anne sounds so loving and romantical. Every time I read it; I think my heart might explode. And then to see you say I'm not homely, even if it's only to make me feel better about my misfortune, it's just all so lovely.

Do you really think I have magic? Me, plain Anne? I suppose I could but only if it came from my parents like you suggested. My life before Avonlea was very gray. I think I purposely blocked out some parts from my memory. Now that I've grown and know much more about the world, I find it hard to think about the past and my experiences. I think I love the quiet that Avonlea brings because my life before was full of constant noise. Yelling, taunting, wailing, whippings. I served families; I cared for children and did housework while their mothers checked out. When I wasn't working with a family I was at the orphanage. I was so happy when I was sent to Green Gables.

I think that's absolutely beautiful Gilbert and not silly at all. Me, an echo of who they were and are. To know they are seen through me is one of the best gifts you could have given me. Thank you! It does bring one peace knowing I take them everywhere. Your father was a brilliant man.

I will recite everything I know about flowers when we see each other again! And I can show you her portrait in the book! Gilbert she was beautiful!

I miss you terribly. My only distraction from missing you are Diana and Queens. My classes are challenging, and I love every minute of it. I almost wish I could do more just so I wouldn't have to think about how far away you are. Noise couldn't keep me from you, silly man. I do feel homesick but now that I'm settled its also thrilling to be away from home. It helps that Matthew provided a fund for me to visit Green Gables whenever I see fit.

Diana told me you never received my letter. I was waiting for you to acknowledge it during our scores, but you never did, and now I know why. I wish I hadn't torn your letter in my anger. How I long to see those words written down, to have that letter with me forever. I vow to never act so recklessly in my anger again. Us engaged? Is that what you ultimately want Gilbert? Obviously not now, as we both have just started our academic lives and are stepping out into the real world for the very first time. Now would be a bad time. Sorry for my rambles. I love you so, but I suppose the idea of marriage makes me nervous because I'd always found myself too homely to marry. I vowed to be the bride of adventure. Could I be both Gilbert? Would I have to give that up to marry? That wouldn't seem very fair.

I understand why you didn't reveal your non engagement to me sooner. I can't imagine how Winnie must feel and I understand you needed to protect her feelings. Well I never thought that I could be the girl of anyone's dreams. But I love how romantic that sounds. It's absolutely lovely and I'm glad you feel that way because I have never in my life felt this way about any boy.

I wish I could see myself through your eyes Gilbert. You say I have a way with words, but you blow me away with yours. I understand what you mean when you say you didn't know until you were expected to propose. I was only able to admit it to myself once I thought I might lose you, and even with that hanging over my head it didn't come to me immediately.

Did I never tell you why we couldn't be friends? Of course, it's nothing you did. It's the very reason I broke that slate over your head so many moons ago. Well the reason we couldn't be friends is quite simple really, Ruby Gillis. After you so graciously helped me get away from Billy in the woods the very first time we met, we walked into school together. It was all downhill from there. If my friendship was to be accepted with the group of girls at school, I couldn't be seen talking to you, I had to tell you to leave me alone. Ruby was in love with you for years and seeing us walk into school together brought her to tears. She was sure I was trying to steal you away. I wanted to be accepted so badly I was willing to never talk to you again. After all, I'd only just met you that day. Oh, how happy am I that everything has worked out the way it has.

I was overjoyed when I opened your letter and saw how much you'd written. Made me feel less paranoid about how I'd bared my soul to you in that first letter. I vow to no longer apologize, I loved reading every bit of what you wrote. You have a dorm mate? Won't you tell me about him? How are your classes going? I'll be anxiously awaiting your reply.

With love,

Anne

P.S. I wish for there to be no confusion in the matter as well. I love you Gilbert Blythe. I happily accept your courtship from afar. You are the only one for me.


	4. Chapter 4

My Dearest Anne,

Your letter has made this hard day so much lighter. Oh carrots, (you only said I couldn't start the letter in this manner), I couldn't help but laugh at your threat. If that's what it takes to get you to U of T, that is most certainly how I will open my next letter to you. I will take any punishment if it means I get to see your beautiful face. I hope my dearest Anne that your heart hasn't indeed exploded as that would bring me great sadness.

Anne, I need you to read this very carefully, I need you desperately to understand what I am about to say. You are not homely. You are my beautiful, whimsical Anne with an E. Too many times in your letter did I see you describe yourself in that manner and I will not have you seeing yourself in such a false light. You are the most beautiful of people Anne. I will not hear any talk of how homely you think your beautiful freckles and fiery locks are. In your first letter you told me you looked like your mother, and in your last letter you told me she was absolutely beautiful. If you believe that to be the truth, there is no way you can go on calling yourself homely.

I can't imagine your life ever being gray, you're such a ray of light. You don't have to answer my questions if you do not wish to, but I wish to know more about your life before. The girl before Green Gables if you will. When you say you were surrounded by constant noise, do you mean the families you helped were just noisy? Always loud and yelling? I can imagine the wailing must have come from the children. How many did you care for? Whippings and taunting? Did that happen at the orphanage? Oh Anne, I'm sorry if I ask too much.

I think my father was brilliant as well. I miss him, I wish he could see me now. I know he'd be proud.

It's a relief to know you want to see me as much as I want to see you. Anne, I think of you every day. I'm looking forward to Christmas break, hoping to catch even a glimpse of that fiery hair of yours. To hear your voice and the passion you have when you talk. Just even thinking about it now makes me miss you. I miss Bash and Deli as well. I don't have the opportunity to write much so I'm looking forward to seeing how much she's grown.

Anne, I want to marry you someday. I never meant for my talk of marriage to frighten you; I just know you're the girl of my dreams. One day I will get down on one knee and pray to our great lord that you say yes. I never ever want you to feel like you're giving something up by choosing to be with me Anne. You are beautiful and any man would have to consider himself lucky to have your hand in marriage. You can be my bride while still being the bride of adventure if you so wish. The only difference is that you'd have a partner in crime to go on these adventures with you. Unless of course you'd rather go by yourself. I'd never dream of telling you what to do, my Anne.

And here I thought all this time you just found me unbearable, so unbearable that having to talk to me resulted in you breaking that slate over my head. I always found Ruby Gillis to be a silly girl, she didn't know the slightest thing about me and yet every time I'd look in her direction, she looked like she'd struck gold. I suppose it should have been obvious, why you didn't want anything to do with me, but at the time I was so interested in getting to know you I couldn't see what was right before my eyes. I could never understand how she could possibly have been in love with me. Anne from our very first meeting you intrigued me, I wanted to know you. I wanted to know who you were and why. I can't say I loved you from that moment, but I can say I was infatuated. It was later on, after I'd gotten to know you that I fell in love with you, with who you are and what you do and how you do it. I know you very well my Anne, and even then, I have so much to learn about you, and it's because of that that I love you.

My dormmate's name is Jonas, he's come all the way from Nova Scotia to study medicine like me. He likes to tease me about you. My classes are going well but they are challenging, it's a good thing I find the subjects interesting or I think I'd be lost. Jonas and I have the same schedule, so we often study together.

I wish there was a way to get your letters faster. I find myself checking the post daily just hoping there will be a new letter from you. Reading your letters helps me feel closer to you even when you're so far. Until next time my Anne with an E.

With all of my love,

Gilbert


	5. Chapter 5

My Dearest Gilbert,

I have just received your last letter and have not read it yet. I just needed to get my feelings down on paper because I am quite upset and I'm trying to control my temper. Mrs. Blackmore, the lady whose house we reside in, has these rules. One of the rules is that we have to be prompt for supper. She's a very ridged lady, reminds me a bit of Marilla when I first met her. Well I broke a rule Gilbert. I was late to supper; in fact, I didn't even get here until after supper. But it simply wasn't my fault and Mrs. Blackmore won't hear a word of it. She said I was improper and now I must help her with her errands this Saturday as punishment. Well the reason I missed supper is because of one of my classmates. He asked for my help in understanding an assignment and by the time I realized how late it was he insisted he'd walk me home. It's dangerous for a lady to walk home alone at this time, he said. So, I let him walk me home and he had the audacity to make every detour possible. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind, but I was finally home and decided I'd best not be any later than I already was. I suppose I'm not really angry with being punished, it's the word she used. Improper, lacking in modesty or decency. Do you think that's a just word to describe me?

Oh Gilbert, I'm sorry to hear you were having a hard day. It seems we're both on the same boat. Gilbert Blythe do you not find me intimidating at all? So, unintimidating that the thought of me making you pay brings you laughter? If that's the case I suppose I'll have to work on that.

I suppose you're right Gilbert, about my mother I mean. I think she must have been exquisite, and she was definitely beautiful. My red hair and splotchy complexion have been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I often thought to myself, how can anyone with red hair possibly be happy in life? It's a hard thing to imagine them being beautiful, but I have learned over the years that once you set your mind to something very firmly, and I do mean firmly, you can alter your outlook. I, Anne Shirley Cuthbert, am not homely. I am whimsical. Oh, Gilbert how I love that word. It's a much better word than improper.

Anne before Green Gables almost feels like a lifetime ago. The circumstances I'd found myself in vastly differentiate my life now. It almost feels like describing it is like talking about someone else's life. My parents were Bertha and Walter Shirley and they were poor as church mice, but they loved each other. They married and had me. They died of a fever when I was three months old. I resided in an orphanage in Nova Scotia until I was old enough to be put to work. The last family I worked for were the Hammond's. They had 8 children and certainly seemed to be vexed all the time. I never understood that Gilbert, why people seem to have so many children if they are such a burden. Yes, the children were noisy but so were Mr. and Mrs. Hammond. They would argue when he'd come home drunk and Mrs. Hammond didn't want to abide his requests. Ultimately, he always got what he wanted, even if Mrs. Hammond was not happy about it. I'd often read anything I could find; I would try to set my focus elsewhere until I couldn't hear them anymore. After Mr. Hammond died, I think Mrs. Hammond placed some of the blame on me. He'd been punishing me when he suffered a heart attack. After that I was placed back at the orphanage. The other girls there hated me. They hated how much I talked, and they hated my stories. I would imagine I was Princess Cordelia and I was always the heroine in my stories. My imagination is my greatest escape, and my how I loved imagining. I was once pulled out of bed and taken to the cellar by 5 of the girls. They held me down, covered my mouth and taunted me with a dead mouse held over my face. They told me the mouse wouldn't stop squeaking and now it was dead. I know what they were meaning to say.

Please don't feel sorry for me, and please don't view me differently. I only told you because you asked, and I figured if you want to spend a lifetime with me you should know all of me. My life now is great, it's amazing and I couldn't have imagined it to be any better. And I have a pretty powerful imagination.

I'm very much so looking forward to Christmas break. It'll take everything in my power to not run into your arms the minute I see you again. It's been so long now.

Did I ever tell you that Cole and I made a pact to marry if we found ourselves unwed later in life? We'd marry and follow our individual passions. A union of equals. Life mates. I've always wanted to be a bride but not a wife, it seemed like the perfect solution. I never envisioned myself as the type of woman to only talk when spoken to, to stay at home with the children sewing and cooking all day while my husband is at work. I can't even possibly imagine it, and I have a very strong imagination. Those are the examples of marriage I've seen my entire life and I suppose that's why the thought doesn't bring me the thrill I'd like. I can't be an obedient wife whose sole purpose is to please her husband. I know that you, Gilbert Blythe, aren't like most men. I'd think you insane if you ever pictured me as that type of wife after you've known me for as long as you have. That alone makes me feel at ease with someday accepting your proposal.

Ruby Gillis is a romantic, as am I. When she loves someone, she is loyal and loves unconditionally, even if she doesn't truly know them. Infatuation? Is that what you felt? I can't say I felt anything but gratitude when you saved me from Billy and then of course annoyance because I wanted to be the better student. I love you so Gilbert, it just took me a while to figure it out.

Jonas? Like Miss Stacy's Jonas? And he's from Nova Scotia like me? What a funny coincidence, it really is a small world. He teases you about me. Whatever do you mean? I'm glad you are getting on well with your dormmate, maybe someday I will get to meet him.

I know what you mean about checking the post daily. I often find myself obsessively checking in. They ought to invent something that expedites communicating with someone from afar. I will be reading this letter again and again until I hear from you once more.

With all of my love,

Anne


End file.
